Updated: Feb 10, 2020
This is a journal entry I found from when I left a place I loved. I almost didn't post it because it is kinda rough. It doesn't necessarily "fit" with what I have posted in the past. And, it is real. Being in the wrestle around what was next with my life. Real and relevant. Even in this season of my life, pieces of me connect and acknowledge this past sentiment. And with acknowledgement, we can give things shape. Then we choose what we do with it. Move past it? Leave it behind? Put it on a shelf? Bring it with us?
I'm awake, trying to forget what I'll just remember in the morning. Finding ways to get through "don't do what I wish they would". The questions still stand, the clock still ticks. You know better. But you're not better. You're lost. On a path you've walked a million times, you can see the worn down grass to dirt. You know where it's headed and you wonder why you're going back.
I learned to be loved
Demanded what I so desperately desired
Remembered that's not how it works
Saw the damage of desire based on greed
Not sure how to fix it
Not sure what to say
I'm not alone and every day is a new day.
People mend people.
Just Like That.
The words I disappeared into end
The story was just a story but
It's not really just pretend
I resonate with the mistakes
With the pain
Feel the energy to change
But tomorrow will I feel the same
The escape I created now shoves me into reality
The place where my dreams
Now surround me.
Demanding work and fight.
The opening. the application.
An over qualification
It still hurts. How bad I want it
Stay the course...
Don't look left or right
Look back and turn to salt?
But would I trade that for the ache in my heart.
I want to scream
From bitter thoughts
From broken hearts
In ways I never knew before
How can you want to go home so bad and still not go.