caption that?

This is a journal entry I found from when I left a place I loved. I almost didn't post it because it is kinda rough. It doesn't necessarily "fit" with what I have posted in the past. And, it is real. Being in the wrestle around what was next with my life. Real and relevant. Even in this season of my life, pieces of me connect and acknowledge this past sentiment. And with acknowledgement, we can give things shape. Then we choose what we do with it. Move past it? Leave it behind? Put it on a shelf? Bring it with us?

---

I'm awake, trying to forget what I'll just remember in the morning. Finding ways to get through "don't do what I wish they would". The questions still stand, the clock still ticks. You know better. But you're not better. You're lost. On a path you've walked a million times, you can see the worn down grass to dirt. You know where it's headed and you wonder why you're going back.  

I learned to be loved

Forgot

Demanded what I so desperately desired

Remembered that's not how it works

Saw the damage of desire based on greed

Not sure how to fix it

Not sure what to say

I'm not alone and every day is a new day.

People mend people.

Be brave.

Just Like That.

The words I disappeared into end

The story was just a story but

It's not really just pretend

I resonate with the mistakes

With the pain

Feel the energy to change

But tomorrow will I feel the same

The escape I created now shoves me into reality

The place where my dreams

Now surround me.

Demanding work and fight.

The opening. the application.

Another test

An over qualification

It still hurts. How bad I want it

Stay the course...

Don't look left or right

Look back and turn to salt?

But would I trade that for the ache in my heart.

I want to scream

From pain

From anger

From shame

From helplessness

From selfishness

From bitter thoughts

From broken hearts

In ways I never knew before

Once before.

How can you want to go home so bad and still not go.